aGh...help me...please?...

today was so confusing...it's like i let go of God altogether...and i knew i was doing it. wutz wrong with me? *sigh*...i'm tired of fighting with my spirit. it's a never-ending battle...and it's driving me crazy. i feel so weak...help me. i'm tired of whining...of crying...of getting angry...of having dis hold on me. it's like dis world is strangling me...and i'm juss holding on for dear life. help me. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs...It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." I want to pierce these words in my mind...and never let them go.

...hoping for my new tom...my new chance.

i'm tired, i'm tired of running alone...

*sigh*...i feel so weak rite now...like i'm going to fall apart. i feel like i'm tiring God out...lol, yea i know it sounds silly. but like...it's so easy for me to juss let go of Him...and start "running alone". you know wut i mean? like...you juss feel tired...of life. i anxiously look forward to the day wen I can be with my beautiful savior. and at times i feel so overhwhelmed with burdens that i wish He'd take me at that moment. like...i'm juss so confused sumtimes...on wut i shud do and wut not to do. and like...i tink i suffer most with giving all the glory to God. derez dis grl...she keeps telling me i'm like...the most friendly person she knoes. i hate that. cuz at first...i help out neone i kan...to make my Lord happy. and now...after gettin praise from it...i feel like...i'm only doing it for that...to receive the praise that was meant for God only. I love that song by Jaci Velasquez...on my knees. becuz it's the truth...sumhow...derez so much power when you fall to your knees before the holy lamb of God. itz like so much burden is taken off...when you lay dem all on the floor before you. it's so kool.

it's also so kool wen i persevere through it all. it's like...satan keeps telling me...your worthless...no one likes you...you're so ugly...buh like...dose times wen i sumhow find the strength...and i can juss say wutever...and get up again...it's like...God is lifting you up. it doesn't feel perfect at first...and like...i juss keep stumbling again and again...and again...buh like...i eventually get the hang of it. and it's the most awesome feeling.

"Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth,
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who trust in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
-Isaiah 40:28

blah!...i fEeL siCk!!!....

nehoo...sickness isn't fUn!!...buh today was alrite...hehe. i hab lotz of tests >.<. and my grades were a lot lower den i thot. like...i thot i was doing ok...obviously not. i'm really trying not to make a school a big priority in my life...buh like...aGh so hard. o wellz...i'm sure if i juss pay attention i can pull my grades up :). newayz..today...i had dis long talk wit nathan abt whether God really wants us to search for the right person for us. i really dun tink we shud...becuz we shud trust God to reveal the right person wen it's our time and wen we are truly ready. buh like...nathan sed stuff bout how like...God expects us to make choices and it's like saying I'll trust God to bring other's to Christ...and i juss hab to wait. I dun tink it's da same ting...buh iono. he had lotz of good reasons for wut he thot. buh i still tink it seems wrong to search and be anxious. hm...if sumone knoes more about dis..please tell me...i'm still a lil confused myself. o ya...and srri to nathan...if i offended you >.<.

nehoo...gotta get bak to hW!...and i stiLL fEeL sick!...*blahness*...

i was listening to an old cd i don't usually listen to...and i came across dis song that i haven't heard in a while by dc tlk...

Is this one for the people?
Is this one for the Lord?
Or do I simply serenade for thing I must afford
You can jumble them together, my conflict still remains
For holiness is calling, in the midst of courting fame
Cause I see the trust in their eyes
Though the sky is falling
They need Your love in their lives
Compromise is calling

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all
Will the love continue?
When my walk becomes a crawl
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?

Father please forgive me for I cannot compose
The fear the lives within me, or the rate at which it grows
If the struggle has a purpose on the narrow road you've carved
Why do I dread my trespasses
Will leave a deadly scar?

Do they see the fear in my eyes?
Are they so revealing?
This time I cannot disguise
All the doubt I'm feeling.

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all
Will the love continue?
When my walk becomes a crawl
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?
Everyone starts to crawl when you know that
you're up against a wall, it's about to fall

I hear you whispering my name you say
My love for you will never change

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all
Will the love continue?
When my walk becomes a crawl
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You are my comfort, and my God.

Is this one for the people, is this one for the Lord?

l o v e - is - a - s a c r i f i c e

srri i haven't wrtten this yr :-P...i juss din't feel like it...so yea...lol. anyhoo...i learned a lot over these days. like...i juss realized i've kept lowering my responsbilities for being a christian. like...wutever i do...i keep tellin myself i'm doing ok in my wlk...as long as i keep believing i'll be ok. but i've been making up excuses to not surrender to God. and like...wut makes me different and holy as a christian...if ppl can't even see i'm different? if i juss do wut pagans do...and expect God to forgive me. so yea...right now i'm really suffering wit dat. i really need to conquer this fear...and live for God boldly. except like...sumtimes....i don't think b4 i act. and ppl see me as less...:-/. sumtimes i feel like...i've disappointed God so much. buh i try to look to a new tom...and a 2nd chance. buh yea...i'm still relaly struggling wit it...so can u guys keep praying for me?

newayz..mi dad is doing really gReat :). hehe...i mean....mann...now that i tink about it...God loves my family SO much! and i'm like...why Lord?...wut have we done to deserve u? buh that is juss so awesome! well....he's pretty much all bettr...eating...wlking...buh juss seeing double vision now and den. also his left arm isn't doin too well...and needs time to get stronger. buh he's happy...and so changed! mann...all our prayers...for my family...are being answered. and like..it's so kool...i've witnessed a miracle...in my own family. Praise the Lord! :):). life is so kool...keep praying tho kk? cuz my bros haven't excepted Christ with their heart yet. they juss like...go to church so they wun disappoing my dad. so keep praying :).

....THANK YOU for all yOu're pRayeRs :):)....Praise God! :-D.

i lied >.<...once again i was too tired...and i came bak too late (again)..srriz!...

nehoo...i saw the two towers yesterday. it was really good! :). it was a lot bettr den the first one. i guess cuz it wasn't as slow...and it was a lot funnier! :-P. if you haven't seen it u really shud. i also juss started reading the book :). oO!...and like...the movie theater we went to had really really nice seats. they were like really big leather seats that were so comfortable :).

hm...afterwards we went to go eat at islands...and den i went to jenn's house. we basically hung around again...and den we watched sum of the sound of music. i love that movie!...buh we only watched the end of it. after that we watched x-files. it wasn't that scary..but a bit gory during one scene. is it bad to watch x-files?...i really dunno. nehoo...ricahrd stayed over buh i went home.

wen i got home...my mom was doing sum wrk. i started helping her...and den i felt like seeing anOther movie :-P. we were gunna see my fair lady. buh like...i tink sumone taped over it. mann..i love that movie! (no...i dun love every movie i see :-P). newayz...we watched mr. wrong instead. haha...that movie is funny and frustrating. o ya...and after...we watched one of the old chinese new yr performances from soleado. it was the yr where i played the rat! >.< and sandra was the cat!...and daryl the ox :-P. it was pretty kool..hehe.

newayz...i mAy write later...if i'm not too tired...or wutever good excuses i can come up with :).

I am "deeply loved, completely forgiven, fully pleasing, totally accepted, and complete in Christ"! :-D

juss came bak from church. you know wut? this morning i felt really bad. cuz like lass nite...i slept sorta late...and woke up late. mi mom got mad cuz i missed worship...and told me i was a bad christian >.<. so this morning i asked God to help me to make the right choices...and help me how to understand how to not feel all depressed wen can't live up to sumone's expectations. so later on i went to sunday school...and our whole lesson was on that. n i wuz like...whoa...God really answered my prayer! :).

anyways...since i got back late lass nite (like i always do :-P)...i didn't hab time to write in my blog. we had to go to the sp rehab early cuz it was uncle eddie's bday and he wanted to spend it wit dad. he also brought along a highly respected elder from his church to pray wit my dad (yang bobo). it was really kool :). anyways...we basically spent the rest of the day wit dad...watching him do pt. he can walk pretty well now. o ya...n did i mention he lost 23 lbs!! crazy huh?

newayz...later on i went to the movies wit jenn. i saw two weeks notice...again! :-P. i really really like it. it's like...one of my favorite movies now..hehe. nehoo...we came kinda late...so there were like...no seats left in the movie. jenn n i had to share a seat the whole time! :-/. buh it was still fun tho :). buh after the movie we had to sit around for an hr to wait for sumone to pick us up. auntie wanda and jon came at the same time :-P. after...we went to eat dinner wit everyone. auntie wanda wanted to have dinner wit waylon's grandmother before she left for singapore.

after that...richard n i went to jenn and nick's house. we were reading this book called "letters from a nut". it's so0o0o funny! it's this guy who writes weird letters to places..like hotels...or resturants. like...he asked a resturant if he could be seated next to the dumpster because of his unusual odor..lol. n later on...no one kud decide on wut game we shud play. so we played outburst in order to see who chooses the game. buh we ended up liking the game. do u ever call sumone a space cadet wen u want to make fun of them? that game is wAy toO old.

buh nehoo...that was my day...yesterday :-P. i'll write later to tell you bout mi day...today :-P.